Behind my eyes, you will find love. It has always been there, taking different forms, increasing and decreasing in strength; hiding sometimes and retreating in defense, but always tangible and always safe. It helps me to see the world in its true colours; magically kicking in when everything turns grey and sad. Just when I’m about to let go to the troubles of this world, just as I’m about to give in, it comes like a shining light, an invisible beacon that touches everything for a moment, to reveal itself in every single person and in every single object. And then I can smile again.
Behind my eyes you will find sorrow. It sits there quietly, mixed with expectations and disappointments, naivety and heartache. Every day a piece of it awakens, sometimes all by itself, sometimes by the changes in people and the world that surrounds me. It enjoys pointing out all the wrongs others have done to me and all the greed and selfishness I ignore because of love I have for the world. It mocks my own ideals, and it feeds of that dull pain in my heart when I just don’t understand.
Behind my eyes you will find guilt and shame that have no reason to be there at all. After all, why should I feel guilty for the actions of others? Why should I feel ashamed when the forest behind my parent’s house disappears and turns into a road while I was away from home? Why should I look away from my own reflection in the mirror, feeling guilty for the crimes of every living soul on this planet? I have no reason to, but I do. Hence, the guilt and the shames’ silent whispers burden me and I feel as if I have no choice over it, although I know it’s a burden I took upon myself.
Behind my eyes you will find rivers and mountains; lakes and oceans; clouds and skies; sunrises and sunsets. You will find beauty that touches even the most ignorant souls and ugliness that I so desperately try to hide from myself. In there, there are smiles and gratitude of every person I ever made a bit happier; songs of everyone whose life I made better, even if just for a little while. And right there, right next to that, is seemingly infinite lake of my regrets. For some reason I store every disappointment, every angry word said to me; every tear and all the pain I ever caused or triggered. For some reason, I blame myself even for the failures of others. For every kind word, every solid advice I gave but was not listened, I suffer. For all the struggles of people, my friends and those I never met, I suffer. It is well hidden, there behind my eyes; just a small dark speck in the green field of love. It is something I carry in silence, not really understanding why or how I choose to do so.
Behind my eyes you will find joy. It’s a contagious force and I love when it breaks free, spreading its influence around me, touching strangers and friends alike. It grows when I realize how wonderful we all really are, and how much alike. It shrinks a bit when I forget it, but it never disappears and never fails to surprise me with its strength and endurance. It is the very force behind my will to exist sometimes. It is a reason and a cause for my continuous search for the Truth. It is a part of me I love the most, and it expands exponentially with every kind word I receive and every smile I bring out in someone else. It is a root of my willingness to inspire and move; it is what keeps my heart open and I reason I refuse to hide.
Behind my eyes, there’s me.
